You wil enjoy this little treat from Jos Biggs this Sunday morning.

It was once again the cat problem that has caused the ruffling of my metaphorical feathers.

I decided to consult the Sage of Calle Malaga, so I betook myself to Girasol. I was not disappointed – Try Valerian in her food, admonished Claire.

I come from the South West, where Valerian grows profusely, but in Spain? I don’t know.

In the meantime, while I scoured the Garden Centres for Valerian so that I could grow my own, I bought some capsules to see if they were going to have any effect.

They did, so full of optimism I trotted into Organica to purchase a parent plant from which I could have an endless supply of cat calming medication.

I wasn’t sure what Spanish Valerian would look like, but I found a fairly similar plant and took it to the counter.

‘Is this Valeriana?’ I asked in Spanish.

‘No.’

Start again. ‘Have you got Valeriana?’

‘Yes. Follow me.’

I did, and my leader selected a plant that looked absolutely nothing at all like Valerian.

‘Are you sure?’ I queried politely.

‘Yes, that’s Valerian.’

No it’s not, I thought, but he should know, he works here.

Returning to the counter I asked if he had Orchid fertilizer.

He proffered a bottle of general fertilizer.

Maybe he hadn’t understood. After all the combination of a mask and my Spanish could easily confuse him.

‘No, I want Orchid fertilizer.’

‘Yes, that’s Orchid fertilizer.’

‘You can’t use that for Orchids.’ I protested.

‘Yes you can. You can use it for anything.’

I considered asking if ‘anything’ included a remedy for male pattern baldness, but instead I forked out 2€ for the plant and left it at that.

So the end result is: My Orchid has no fertilizer, my cat has no magic calming plant, and I think that my Not Valerian is Celery!

Anyone out there got any Valerian plants? I’ll swap you for something that may or may not be Celery.