Don't get me wrong but...

I am feeling picked upon.

I have been misled, and I am cross about it. I have got my head pretty much round Mercadona, but as Mercadona is out of bounds for me at the moment I’m obliged to go to Coviran, which is a substantial step further. I am not familiar with Coviran, and on my first visit I wandered around the shop like a turkey in a trance, and came out with very little except a bill much larger than I had anticipated.

The second time I was more organised, but still came out with only half the shopping – if only the bill had reflected that! But I learn by my mistakes, so for my third foray I was organised and prepared. I had a shopping list, and I entered the premises with high hopes and a steely resolve – I was not going to be beaten! I gazed apathetically at the fruit and veg, breathed in so that I could squeeze past the middle of the aisle display of cakey, biscuity things, settled for a cholesterol yoghurt at twice the price and half the flavour of my usual.

I meandered past the cheeses without success – there was cheese a-plenty, but no blue cheese – it was going to be my Christmas treat to myself. Never mind, I thought; I’ll get some mince pies instead. And there I saw it – a Stollen! I love Stollen, particularly as it is only available at Christmas, but the bit I like best is the marzipan in the middle. I had one last year from Lidl - their ministollens – they had no marzipan, therefore to me they were not stollens!

I completed my scour of the shop with a stupendous lack of success – I had a list of 14 items that I needed, of which I had found five. But never mind, I’ve got Stollen to look forward to!

I unpacked the shopping and fell upon the Stollen – I felt I deserved it. I cut a goodly slice, raised it to my mouth and then noticed – no marzipan! A Stollen without marzipan is like bacon and eggs without the bacon! Never mind, I’ve got mince pies, Walkers Luxury Mince Pies. That will make up for the Stollen shortcomings.

I checked the sell-by, November 2021, opened the box and the cellophane wrapping, and was nearly knocked over by a strong smell of petrol. Must be the wrapping, I told myself. I extracted a pie and sniffed it. I didn’t need to, so strong were the noxious fumes of petrol. Cautiously I took the pie’s lid off – the filling was a baked hard congealment of black stuff that could quite easily have seen service as piece of tarmac, so I took it outside and filled a pothole in the drive with it.I tell you, the whole experience was a black mark in my calendar. And I couldn’t even cheer myself up with a glass of port, another Christmas treat to myself – there was every sort of alcoholic beverage on sale, except port!

Never, ever again will I criticise Mercadona!