Bad Landlady

No or bad signal announced the telly. I looked up at a clear blue sky – normally No or bad signal means thunder, but today there was more chance of striking oil in my garden than experiencing thunder. I know better than to fiddle with things beyond my comprehension, so I emailed the effervescent Gary.

In short order the reply came back. ‘Have you got a spider in your LNB again?’

The first time this happened I thought Gary was having me on – it sounded to me like an April fool. The second time I knew it wasn’t an April fool. This is the third time, so not only was I filled with a confidence, but I knew where to look for firstly the LNB, and secondly the spider.

I fetched a cotton bud and sallied forth to tackle the unwelcome arachnid. Sure enough, there it was, sitting on the LNB, smack in the middle of the point of communication between my telly and the rest of the Universe. It was quite a pretty spider – light green and not too leggy. However, handsome is what handsome does, and this handsome was depriving me of my evening unwind after a frenetic day of doing very little.

I flicked it off quite gently, but it clung on. ‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘but you’ve got to go.’
I flicked again, and dislodged it.
‘Why?’ it said as it fell groundwards.
Being careful not to tread on it I went back inside to check the telly – sure enough, it was working perfectly.

And then it wasn’t. So I took up my cotton bud again and went outside. There the spider was, exactly where it had been before.

I flicked, and it landed halfway down the dish. ‘Ow! What’s the matter with you?’ it asked.
‘Sorry,’ I replied. ‘But you’ve got to go somewhere else.’
Gently I scooped it up on the cotton bud and transported it away from the dish to the logpile.

‘There! I’m sure you’ll find a des res somewhere in this lot.’ I told it as I gently tipped it onto a promising log.
It walked off quite slowly, and as it left I’m sure I heard it say ‘Tch! Humans! You’d think they ruled the world, the way they behave.’