It is a well known fact that insects, once they get into the house, can’t find the way out again.

Birds and Bees

It's the case of bees in particular that amazes me. They can find their hive from a selection of many from a kilometre away, yet if they get into the house they can’t find a doorway two foot away from the window that they are banging their heads against.

Birds are the same. They might be able to migrate thousands of miles with pin-point accuracy, but give them a choice of exit of an open door or a closed window and they will choose the window.

I have had three starlings down the chimney in the last few days. The first starling took 2 days to finally descend to the grate. After a bit I got used to the racket from inside the chimney breast, but I was pleased when it ceased.Unsurprisingly the bird was quite docile when I opened the door, so I grabbed it in a towel and escorted it outside with no bother.

The second bird descended after about 24 hours. Learning from my experience with bird #1 I took the towel (the same towel; I’ll never get it clean, and it is now the official Bird Towel) and opened the door, upon which a turbo-charged starling burst out from within the grate.

It carefully avoided the open door and crashed full force into the living room window. It paused for a milli second, then headed for the ceiling. It hit the ceiling hard and plummetted to the floor apparently undamaged. It picked itself up and headed straight for the telly.

Oh no, if a bird strike can down a Jumbo jet plane, what can a starling strike do to a telly? At the last moment it achieved sufficient altitude, grazed the top of the telly and cannoned into the window behind. This third cranial impact must have slowed it somewhat. It fell to the floor amid the serpentine loops of inexplicable wiring that lurk behind the telly.

I must admit that at this point my concern was more for the well-being of the telly than the bird, but while I pondered how on earth to get it out without damaging the most expensive piece of kit in my house it rose in a flurry of soot and hurtled into the kitchen, and the kitchen window. The force of the impact knocked it into the sink, and also apparently knocked some sense into it. It scrambled out of the sink and flew out through the open kitchen door.

I surveyed the damage; One telly miraculously intact. Bird-shaped outlines in soot on the ceiling, the floor, 3 windows, one wall and the sink. Phew! Nothing broken!

So when the third bird descended I learnt from my experience with bird #2. I pulled down the blinds and hung the windows and the telly with towels to make them dark and damaged-proof, and opened the doors to the outside world. I opened the fireplace door and out it streaked, straight through the front door and through the porch - which is meshed.

It was free –wonderful! Apparently not! It about turned in mid-flight and cannoned into the porch mesh from the outside. It re-grouped and flew back inside the porch through the door, did a semi-circle, and crashed into the same area of mesh from the inside.

Quickly realising its mistake it flew out of the door, turned around and flew back into the open door from the outside.

By this time I had caught up with it. I slammed the porch door shut. It did a circuit above the pool (please, not in the pool) and disappeared, presumably with a headache.

I need someone to go upon my roof and replace the Anti-Starling wire over the chimney – I’m ignoring the 6 bird-shaped soot stains on my walls and ceiling, as well as the further 3 similar stains on my porch meshing!