Picking on the Weak and Vulnerable

I admit that there are noticeable gaps in my areas of expertise; Namely anything culinary and anything technological.

I overcome the former because I have a cast-iron constitution and a very forgiving sense of taste. Usually that which I cook for myself is edible, sometimes it’s not bad, and very occasionally it’s really nice.

But the latter? It has me completely in its control. This has always been so, but since Lockdown it has spiralled to new heights of insubordinate confustication. (This is my new portmanteau word meaning confusion and frustration) Lockdown has enabled me to speak, if not face-to-face but electronically with more people than I could possibly call on in the course of a day, which is very enjoyable, on my part at any rate.

But then the Gremlins struck. With skill and daring I managed to install Skype, and joined up with my classmates and Jo for our Spanish lesson online.

I could see them and I could hear them. They could see me but not hear me. But I was not to be defeated! I checked Mute – no, it was unmuted. I checked Sound Level – 100%. I rummaged around in Settings, but I remained silent to the rest of the world.

And then there was Zoom. Free, it said encouragingly on the heading. So I dived in, and was making good progress until the final stage, when it announced that it wanted 9.99€ from me. What!? You’re not getting 9.99€ out of me – you said it was free! 9.99€ is not free, it’s 9.99€!

I took my case to someone who knows, and who pointed out the error of its ways to it, and we were ready to go – except that nobody could hear me! ‘Your mic is not working.’ He surmised. ‘Never mind, we can install it on your phone.’

The phone, which had been listening all the while, assumed an air of innocence and informed me that it ‘could not support this App.’ I’d only asked for Zoom, not the secret code to the nuclear button!

However, I had taken it by surprise and installed Whatsapp when it wasn’t looking. Doubtless this infuriated it so much that it lay awake at night wondering how it could confusticate me yet again. It has managed quite well. On a good day it will allow people to ring me on Whatsapp, but won’t allow me to hear them. On a bad day it simply doesn’t connect!

And this is providing that I am in my house. If I’m outside it doesn’t matter whether I’m in Albox or Antartica, it just folds its arms, looks the other way and says ‘Don’t know who you’re talking about! No, there’s nobody named Jos here.’

But messaging seems to have slipped past it in a moment when it was not paying full attention. People can message me, and usually I can reply – as long as the words I chose are ones that it approves of! It will, before my very eyes and with no apology, change my words to ones that it considers more appropriate. One of these words is my name – it refuses to allow me to be Jos, I have to be Jo’s! How rude!

I have a dreadful fear that Humans are no longer the Alpha species; the power is gradually and inexorably shifting towards Technology.

And Technology is beginning its bid for Global Domination by picking on and exterminating the weak and vulnerable – starting with me!