Could it Happen?
An unfortunate Christmas experience, featuring Santa Claus, a policeman and a sergeant.
Santa: Aaah! Oooof! That one was a bit tight! Now, let me see……Ah yes, they’ve been good. Right, here we go then, 4 presents in all. Now for the sherry and mince pie.
Constable Now then, now then, I don’t want any trouble, but would you like to explain yourself, Sir?
Santa: Who? Me? Don’t you recognise me? I’m Santa Claus.
Constable Yes Sir, I’m sure you are. They all say that. Either that or Mickey Mouse.
Santa: But I am! Look, sackful of presents, list of children who’ve been good, who else would I be?
Constable Well, Sir, it looks to me as if you are a gentleman in fancy dress who has been interrupted in the act of burglary.
Santa: Burglary? Look, I’m giving the presents, not taking them!
Constable Yes, very good Sir, I’m sure you are. Perhaps you could enlighten me as to how you effected entry into this house?
Santa: Down the chimney, of course.
Constable Now come on Sir! What a wonderful imagination you have. Perhaps you could come up with something a bit more believable? A gentleman of your size would never fit down a chimney in any circumstances.
Santa: No, that’s the truth. If you don’t believe me, go outside and look on the roof.
Constable I see. And what do we have on the roof, Sir?
Santa: 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Constable I’m sure Sir. Have you perhaps been drinking?
Santa: No. Yes. No, only the sherry. They always leave a sherry, a mince pie and a carrot for the reindeer.
Constable They, Sir?
Santa: Yes. Every house leaves a sherry, a mince pie and a carrot.
Constable And how many houses would that be, Sir?
Santa: All the houses, of course.
Constable All the houses. So you have entered more than one house?
Santa: Of course. I have to get all the presents round before daybreak.
Constable So it would be fair to say that you have entered multiple houses, and have consumed a significant quantity of alcohol?
Santa: Yes.
Constable And that you have 8 reindeer and a sleigh on the roof?
Santa: Yes. Look, if you don’t believe me, go outside and have a look.
Constable I think I will. If you wouldn’t mind accompanying me Sir, we’ll just go outside and see these reindeer.
Santa: There, look, told you so.
Constable H’m. Yes, there do appear to be animals resembling reindeer, and they do appear to be on the roof. If you don’t mind, Sir, could you explain how you got them up there?
Santa: They flew.
Constable Of course they flew, Sir. And how are you going to get them off the roof, Sir?
Santa: Fly them. I go up the chimney, get in the sleigh, and off we fly.
Constable Good sherry, was it, Sir?
Santa: Yes, as a matter of fact, it was. Always is at this house.
Constable You have entered this house previously?
Santa: Yes, every year.
Constable I see. And these – er- reindeer, they belong to you do they Sir?
Santa: Yes, of course.
Constable So if I may just clarify the situation Sir, you say you are Santa Claus, and these are your reindeer?
Santa: Yes I do! They are!
Constable Haven’t you forgotten something, Sir?
Santa: What?
Constable I think that it is generally believed by those of a gullible nature that Santa’s reindeer are led by Rudolph, who is easily identifiable by his red nose. I don’t see a red nose on any of these reindeer. If you would care to explain, Sir?
Santa: Rudolph’s not in the team this year; He’s got a cold, so he’s stayed at the North Pole with a hot whiskey and a very large hankerchief.
Constable Of course he has, Sir. However, reindeer are not domestic animals, they are classed as wild animals, and a license is required to keep them. May I see your license entitling you to keep wild animals, sir?
Santa: I don’t need a license. They are my special magic reindeer, and we all live together with my wife and the elves at the North Pole. Now I must get on, it’s quite a tight schedule, have to be back before dawn.
Constable You live at the North Pole Sir?
Santa: Yes.
Constable As far as I’m aware the North Pole is not a member state of the EU. May I see your passport, please?
Santa: I don’t need a passport, or a license, and I’m not drunk. Now will you please let me get on with my job?
Sarge: Oi! What’s all that noise down there?
Constable Good evening sir. I have apprehended this gentleman in your house in the act of burglary. He appears to be drunk and delusional, has entered this country illegally, has several wild animals in his possession, for which he does not have a license. I am also charging him with a breach of the peace, and wasting police time.
Sarge: Constable, do you know who I am?
Constable Yes, Sarge.
Sarge: Constable, this ‘person’ is Santa Claus. He ‘effects entry’, as you call it via the chimney, and exits the same way, whereupon he and his reindeer fly off round the whole world delivering presents to all good children. Now shut your notebook and get on with your round, or I will be charging you with delaying Christmas, and insubordination to a superior officer. I’m very sorry Santa, it won’t happen again – will it, Constable?
Constable No Sarge. But how will I fill out my report?
Sarge: Just say exactly what you saw. I’m sure the lads and lasses back at the station will find your report very entertaining. Now good night! I’m so sorry Santa.
Santa: No worries – Happy Christmas Sarge. Ho Ho Ho
Bah Humbug? Me? No!
But I will have to have a word with the misguided person who last Christmas sent me all sorts of unsuitable presents; Swans and Lords and Pipers, etc. All not only unsuitable, but a downright blooming nuisance to get rid of! Have you ever tried to persuade a charity shop to accept 8 milkmaids complete with cows?
So this year I am publishing a more suitable list:
- Partridge cooked in pear sauce. Mmmm!
- Cooked pigeons – I love pigeon!
- Roasted chickens – the ready cooked ones from Mercadona will do
- Roast ducks – I love duck too!
- Cooked geese – and goose, I love that as well!
- Cooked swans – I’ve no idea what swan tastes like, but if it’s good enough for the Queen it’s good enough for me.
- Pints of Jersey milk
- Night blooming jasmine, Dama de Noche.
- A painting of the Lord of the Jungle, the lion, preferably leaping. I only want one, there are only so many walls upon which I can hang a picture
- Boxes of Highland Shortbread, featuring pipers on the lid
- Boxes of Highland Shortbread, featuring drummers on the lid. I am very fond of shortbread.
I would also like an enormous freezer; There is no way all those cooked birds will fit in the one I’ve got!
If you've been good boys and girls Jos Claus will post an extra pre-Christmas thought on Wednesday.
I Found My Mouse!
Or rather the inestimable Don told me where to look!
I spent hours looking – in the wrong place!
But now I know where the computer’s secret hiding place is!
Thanks Don
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
No-one was stirring, ‘cept one little mouse.
The night it was dark and black as a coal
As Santa came flying down from the North Pole.
He climbed in the chimney with a grunt and a snort
And slithered on down, ‘til his belt he got caught.
But brave little Mousie the problem did see,
And squeaked out quite loudly ‘I’ll soon have you free!’
He squeezed up the chimney, it was rather tight
Caught hold of the belt and started to bite.
He nibbled and chewed, and with a final big Chump!
He chewed through the belt, and Santa went Thump!
He climbed from the grate, then with a big frown
Realised he’d no belt, as his trousers fell down
.
But Mousie was brave, and quite clever too;
He said ‘Never fear, I know what to do.’
He shinned up the tree, and was back in a flash
With some nice silver tinsel to make Santa a sash.
‘Oh Mousie,’ cried Santa, ‘You wonderful creature,
That’s perfect to cover my very best feature.’
He hitched up his trousers and tied a big bow,
And said ‘Right now Mousie, before I must go
Choose any present, and it shall be yours.’
Mousie twitched his long tail and rubbed his short paws.
‘Oh Santa’ he said, ‘If it’s all right with you
I’d like that big chunk of ripe Danish Blue.’
It will see me through Christmas and into New Year.
‘Then take it!’ cried Santa. ‘And be of good cheer.’
With a final Ho-Ho and a bit of a wheeze
Santa shot up the chimney – but left Mousie the cheese!
thank goodness that d*** wind has gone!
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